Beginning of #OperationWEDDINGdress

So lets just get this out there in the open. I have had a pretty rocky journey so far. I have stumbled a few times, sprinted off the band wagon and leaped straight into some old habits.

I have been miserable. I have been so caught up in how much I have not been getting out of work that it has consumed me. I was no longer enjoying the rest of my time OUTSIDE of work. Why is it that work can be so mundane and seem to drag you down when it is only 8 of your 24 hours in a day and 40 hours out of 168 of your whole week. This does not make sense to me at all.

I digress.

Since last Thursday night, minus being sick over the weekend, I have had this sudden urge of pure joy. I literally feel like I am on cloud 9. I can't help but think why did this little piece of jewelery have such a huge impact on me.  If you missed my engagement post you can find it HERE.

My day just keeps getting better I finally got this in the mail after waiting weeks, now my phone is as blingy as my ring ;)

Isn't she a beauty!

I don't think that is what it was at all. It's not the ring exactly, although it is a gorgeous ring ( J knows me well- he picked it out all on his own) Its the meaning that goes with the ring. I have finally found my soul mate after lots and LOTS of Frogs..and I MEAN LOTS! Girrrl you don't know, but that's a different story in itself!

I am a pretty big traditionalist, i.e. I am totally fine being at home in the kitchen with babies everywhere. I am pretty sure feminists world wide just screamed! Don't care, I think it's great that women have so many choices these days, but that is a choice that I would choose for myself.  Since I was old enough to walk and talk I have had a baby and would play house.

I am sure there are a lot of girls out there that grew up like that, but I never could let go of that feeling that one of my big reasons for being here was to be a wife and mama. I am finally getting that moment, well the first one for now anyway! ;) No babies just yet!

On to #Operationweddingdress, I will be using the crap out of this hashtag on Instagram click on my social button to follow me!

I am determined to cry happy tears when trying on a wedding dress. I want to feel good inside and out. Right now I feel ok, I am determined by August to be well on my way to meeting most of my goals.! Here are my goals, I am putting them out there for accountability!! Although at this point, I don't know that I even need the accountability from others, as I am going to be on myself like white on rice to get this shit done!

Goals:
1. Jillian Michael's arms- who wants bat wings in wedding pictures...ughhh not this girl!- Achieve by lifting 3-4x a week while increasing weights

2. Defined back- I want to be able to wear any dress and not be worried about the dreaded back fat..GROSS- see achievement goal 1

3. My stomach has always been an issue for me so as long as I feel comfortable in a bikini I'm gonna consider it a win- and comfortable doesn't mean look like a super model. I am realistic people- Achieve by doing abs twice a week on top of weights and cardio

4. Run a 5k in under 30 minutes- or 28 minutes to be exact- its a goal set by my Marine cousin- they mean business so I don't want to mess with that ;)- Achieve by finally finishing C25K- I will do this and I will do it before June 1st!

5. Enjoy the ride- I don't want to stress about food, weight or any other bull shit while planning this glorious time in my life. Achieve by following 1-4, food journaling, and giving into temptation every now and then ( Girls I love me some cake, that may be a cheat meal in itself ;))

I intend on enjoying my planning, and all of the festivities to come. Can we say bachelorette party?! Holla!

What are your #operation.......goals? How are you going to achieve them?

He Put a Ring on it!

Ahhh the weekend has come and gone, and I feel like I just blinked.  I have quite a bit to catch you up on since I didn't post Thursday or Friday! (sorry)

I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz this weekend, stuck in a whirlwind and then dropped in a fantasy world. Only this fantasy world wasn't a fantasy at all, it was reality.


Could this really be happening? I have waited so long, is it really my turn?

Thursday was quite the busy day, and ended with the most exciting moment in my life to date.  J normally works 3rd shift, but since he was working 1st shift Friday he didn't have to go in to work Thursday night. So we did our normal routine for bed on the weekend. I was scrolling through instagram and I can see Josh out of the corner of my eye come in the room, I turn to put my phone down on the night stand. As I turn back around I can see he his down on his knee leaning across the bed with a box in his hand. As he opens it, I can feel a wave of shock come over me. I wanted to cry but I was in such shock I couldn't. (seriously the one time I don't burst into tears..wth)

I slip the ring on my finger and think how did I get so lucky?! Immediately he says aren't you going to put it on facebook? Ummm nooooooo! "I am not telling anybody tonight, for this night only we are the only ones who know, and I want it to stay this way."

The next day seems like such a whirlwind looking back.

Friday of course I wake up and feel like working out but then quickly realize that is not about to happen because I will be telling my Mama, and two best friends the big news and this in itself will end up causing me to run late! (Great up at 6 and still late?- I normally get up at 7:30) I ate a super fabulous breakfast and shout my great news to the small handful of people that morning.  I could barely concentrate at work, as I had this huge shiny thing on my hand (it's still distracting!).

I decide that today is the day to buy my food journal. I have been using Myfitnesspal for quite some time, and have decided that it no longer serves its purpose for me. I am going to start doing it the old fashioned way again until I can get myself used to the counting in my head.

isn't it Purdy! :)

Of all the times to start getting sick, I started feeling icky around noon. I went to bed early Friday night, woke up Saturday to get my spray tan on for Prom From Hell, and felt better at this point.  Saturday night rolls around and we are all dressed to look ridiculous and have a great time. When I say ridiculous I MEAN RIDICULOUS. It was so fun to see everyone dressed up. A few times out on the dance floor I felt like I had time warped. WEIRD!

Note to self, if you ad tulle to a dress in loops such as this, don't plan on having chairs sitting against a table to save spots...I may or may not have gotten my dress stuck on said legs several times!

Ohhh I rocked this dress!

Then I start getting more pains. This lead to me sitting a LOT, the base in the speakers seemed to make my stomach pain worse! Are you freaking kidding me?! I have been waiting my whole life for this moment, and I can't even enjoy it!? This is some messed up shit! We had a good time though, and I half way celebrated.  After J had a smidgen too much we decided to turn in early...Party ANIMALS!

 I did have a win over the weekend, I barely ate anything and after turning in early I contemplated pizza for 2 hours and decided bed was just the best option considering the pain I was already in!

Sunday, we finally finished telling everyone and then got an overwhelming response from social media sites. We are very excited to start the next phase of our journey together.  Now begins the planning...ok lets be real for a second I am a girl, who was called Princess by her daddy for a reason. I have been planning this day for a LONG LONG time. Now I can officially plan it! ;) And just to help in the aiding with the planning look what my wonderful Mama got me!

On April 5th, 2014 I will become Mrs. J :)

Ain't nobody got time fo dat. Part 3

Thanks for coming back, after that you can find the positive in this post. If you missed Part 1 and 2 check them here :
                                                            Part 1
                                                            Part 2
That morning was actually quite happy. I remember waking up and laying on the couch for a bit while my mom made breakfast. My dad wasn't feeling well so they were going in late to work ( did you see that? LATE? he was actually going to go into work).

I remember watching TV while my dad sat in one chair and my brother in the other. I know my dad was fine and then all of a sudden he said something so off the wall I remember laughing and saying "What?"...at that point I felt this surge of "something is wrong". I looked up and screamed at my mom to come in the room. The rest is a blur. I just know I called my best friend and told her I didn't need a ride that morning, while sobbing. Her grandpa came over right away to support my mom.

I know we went to the county hospital and then he was air lifted to the quad cities, where he stayed.

I never got to tell him how much I loved him, how sorry I was, that I wasn't ready for him to leave.

Sadness and numbness were all I felt at that point, for about a week straight. I know that there was a blizzard when his funeral was scheduled, but other than that I remember two things. Not crying during the visitation and standing the entire time by my mom. The other would be crying, or sobbing is more like it during the funeral after seeing all of my friends walked by. It wasn't until that point that I could release. I hadn't shed a single tear since we turned off the machines. Why? Did I not love him enough? Why couldn't I cry? Everyone around me was crying. Well you can only hold so much in before you need to release it, and I did.

My life had changed forever and now we had to get on with our lives...but how?

I have felt guilty for so many years, I thought that guilt was gone, but as I write this story out for all of you I realize it never left, I just shoved it away.

Guilt about how I treated him

Guilt about being happy since he's been gone

Guilt about being unhappy

Guilt about leaving my mom to go hang out with friends

What did I do with that guilt? I ate my feelings is what I did! I blew up in a matter of months, looking back at pictures from 8th grade graduation still make me nauseous. They are AWFUL! I had the "squinty eyes" because my face was so fat!

So now what? Where do I go from here, all things I felt! The only thing that made me feel better was food. I didn't have a lot of friends at this point, because I shut a lot of people out, I was angry that their lives were still normal. Why did i have to lose my dad? Why me? You know the pity party. Well I played it and I played it HARD! I never played another sport. Mostly because I knew my dad wouldn't be there watching me like he used to. He used to sit in the stands and I could hear him cheering on the court ( at the time SUPER EMBARRASSING), I just couldn't do it without him. I found different outlets like music to keep me going.

I went through a lot of turmoil that second semester, after all I had to get through graduation and confirmation. I still have the cross necklace that came from my mom AND dad for my confirmation. That simple cross with a teeny tiny diamond in the center may not look like much to anybody else, but it is the last piece of anything that my dad helped pick out for ME. The meaning behind that jewelery is huge to me.

its silver, not gold although it looks gold

Getting through that summer was awful, I ate, and ate and ate. We had a trampoline, but rarely used it. I watched my brother and we were both NON active. After summer came what? Ohhh yess Freshman year of high school....HURRAY! That fall I was on Flags, or color guard as some of you call it. I loved it, I thought it was fun and I made some good friends. However, the uniforms were atrocious. I am talking long sleeve sequined GREEEN swim suit. That is pretty much what it was with a tiny little "skirt" attached. It was AWFUL!. I still had TERRIBLE bangs ( because I was told I "couldn't" have the thin bangs that everyone else had- my hair stylist was an idiot!), puffy face, acne, and a round mid section...I was one sexy beast!....


Fall 2001 (this took me all week to post)

Well the beast part may have been closer to accurate. No I am not hating on myself, they are truly AWFUL! By January my mom decided we would go on a "diet". I started counting calories...and guess what I lost about 30 lbs. It was amazing. I felt prettier, I didn't have stupid bangs anymore, and I was eating health "ier".  I remember my favorite after school snack being crystal light and cheddar pretzels (not a cheese dip).Here's a picture from the beginning of sophomore year when I turned 16.

Fall 2002 about 35 lbs lighter

I was doing really well and I don't remember feeling super "gross" the rest of high school, in fact senior year I was pretty skinny (skinniest I've ever been) check out this throwback!

Prom 2005

Then came college.....

To be continued

Weigh In Wednesday

AHHHH weigh in Wednesday we meet again...I really love this link up, its full of other bloggers who are on the same journey as me. Hosted by Erin and Alex. Go check them out and join the link up!

So I must say I did weigh myself this morning, and I wish I hadn't. I had broken up with the scale, but with all bad relationships, you tend to fall back into old habits or let them back into your life because you NEEEDDD them... WRONG!

I do NOT need the scale, as much as I think I do. The scale really causes me a LOT of turmoil. I MEAN A LOT! If I lose.. happy lets eat food, if I gain.. sad lets eat more food! What's wrong with this picture?!

Seriously the weight loss wagon is backing out of my driveway and heading down the road with just my shoe on board, the rest of me is dangling for dear life. I seriously don't know why I find it interesting to self sabotage myself. I have been doing it my entire life. It has to stop!

This week I decided to write about my journey to how I got here, to this very moment in time. Why I turned to blogging as an outlet, why I have decided that enough is enough. My weight does not control my happiness, I DO!

Why is our society so bent on telling women they are not "skinny enough" and "skinny = pretty" or "fat = ugly". I struggle with why our media continues to confuse girls on what reality is and what is not!

This past weekend I had a discussion with two guys, and they literally said I just don't understand why someone would let themselves get "that far". I was pretty pissed about this, because OBVIOUSLY people wake up one morning and decide "Hey, yeah I would love to have a million healthy problems while feeling completely miserable all to send myself to an early grave" said NO ONE EVER!

I realize that those who have NEVER struggled with an eating disorder could never understand the mental disorder that goes with it. Someone who eats their feelings is dealing with emotion in a completely unhealthy manner, it has nothing to do with physical appearance and all about mental feelings that get them to the point of losing control. For most people an eating disorder is their only means of control, at least that's how they feel.

I digress, I have written 2 posts on where my struggles truly began. It's something most children never have to experience, and I wish ALL children never had to experience this kind of pain. The world we live in has never been considered fair, so why start now. You decide your own happiness, you control your journey to find it. If you would like to catch up they are here and here

So my goal for this week, is to focus not on what a scale told me this morning, but go meal to meal and make the best choices I can. I also want to set my free weigh regimen in gear and stick to it. I want Jillian Michael's arms too!!!

For now check out this free weight bar that is "Gold's Gym" brand and found at wal mart- I am completely appalled at that last sentence! Can you believe it?!

This was straight from Wal Mart's website!

Emotions Taking Control..Ain't nobody got time fo dat. Part 2

Well if you have come back to read part two if  you are just tuning in you can catch up on right here
                                                                 Part 1

I played volleyball as usual, and we were pretty decent (from what I recall haha). I know that I was really starting to struggle with anger. Whenever I was with my dad ...ANGER! I couldn't control it and it got to the point where I was actually MEAN to my dad. I would say mean things and cop an attitude whenever he said anything to me. This was normal for my mom and I back then, completely abnormal for my dad. I know I hurt him, how could I have not.

I am the one waving, can't really tell except for the GINORMOUS bangs on my forehead, I'm the one waving, and as you can see not SUPER overweight, But eating my feelings had started !

look at that mess of hair

Side note- can we just talk about this picture for a second- I actually was quite small for myself and I'd say pretty average sized. Lawdy my hair and eyebrows were a tad out of control! How did I let that happen...Oh and the bangs....loooveee!

Ok back to the story....

Fall was quickly coming to an end, we were rapidly approaching the "Holiday season". Every year we would have Thanksgiving at my grandma's on my mom's side then go to my aunt's on my dad's side. We did the whole eat a crap ton of food thing, and then went to my aunt's and repeated. All I really remember is how tired my dad was. He was always tired, and it pissed me off. I wanted him to go back to the dad I knew, but he was slowly slipping away, at least that's what I thought. He seemed sad, tired, and possibly angry. However he never EVER directed that anger at anybody.

A little known fact about my dad. He was the most loving, caring man I have ever known. He would drop anything and everything for anybody. He would give you the shirt off his back and crack a joke to make you laugh. He loved his family more than life itself. He was also the hardest working man I have ever seen. (Note: He was going to go to work the day he passed away)

Thanksgiving was harder than usual because normally that weekend my dad and I would put out Christmas lights...we were like the Griswold's y'all. Seriously I am pretty sure you could have seen our house a county over.  Of course, since he was sick we didn't get to do that together. I think we had lights that year, but someone else did them, if we had them at all! I wish I had a picture but this should help give you an idea if you aren't familiar with the movie (really?)

source

November came and went and we had now reached December. If i had known that on December 1st I only had 9 days with my dad. I would have spent them a LOTTTT different. I remember my brother being so attentive to my dad. He wanted to help him so much. Why couldn't I have been that way?

I remember one thing that I did that actually helped my dad. He was having trouble putting on a shirt and I was the only one who could help him do it with ease. However, towards the end, I remember my brother helping him with his jacket but he just couldn't get his other arm in. So I walked over thinking I would be helpful, but I am pretty sure I ended up hurting my dad. As I re-read that with tears rolling down my face, I realize that is one of the most vivid memories i have from my dad at the end.

How could I have been so cruel? Did I do it on purpose? If I did, what was my goal? To make him feel as much pain as I was? Wasn't he hurting enough?

What is it about that age that makes kids so snotty, and why oh WHY did I let that take over? I have no one to blame but myself, and I can not blame my age. I think the hardest part looking back, was that people condoned my behavior.

"Oh, she's going through so much" "She's only 14" "She's still a kid" I call bull F*king Shit...sorry for the language but there is absolutely no EXCUSE for a kid behaving like a spoiled ROTTEN BRAT!

My mom is not to blame, she was dealing with so much as she was the sole provider for my dad and did not have time to deal with my BS.

Some of you may be thinking a lot of things about me right now, and that's fine. I am sure I have thought all of the same things. TRUST ME there is not one thing that has gone through any of your minds that did not go through mine

The morning of December 8th rolls around, and my life as I knew it was shattered into a million pieces....


To Be continued...

Emotions taking Control...Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Part 1

so today started out super duper awesome, and then took a raging plummet into the ground. Thanks Tuesday...you are becoming quickly my worst day of the week!

I thought I would take a little time to give you a breif look into my past. I have struggled with weight for a long time, well really just when I lost my dad. I don't like dwelling on this but how do you fix your mental if you don't know where it started.

What I am about to tell you falls into the category of "ain't nobody got time fo dat", just so this isn't a complete depresser here is my happy video:

*Disclaimer: None of what you are about to read was caused by anyone but myself. Please understand I had the best childhood, and the reason for my feelings are because of ME, nobody else. I take FULL responsibility for my actions and choices, nor am I complaining. 

I was 13, in 7th grade when I found out that my dad had been diagnosed with ALS. My parents had never heard of it so how could I have known anything about it or what was to come? I remember two things about that day, crying and my dad telling my about the poem footprints.A little filler that is a must know, I was and will always be a "daddy's girl". I had that man wrapped around my finger.

It never failed that I could get something at wal mart EVERY time we went (sorry mom). Yes wal mart was a big deal- we have two stop lights in our town ya know....kind of a big deal!

I "helped" my dad rebuild his truck engine- which leads to a funny point of starting my car on fire a week ago ( yeah that happened). I love being with him, we would sing all the time and laugh even more. I was his princess, and he was the perfect man.

Man I was cute..even then I loved me some cowboyboots! :)

It was March of 2000, and I was in Track ( which may have little meaning now but later its huge). I remember him coming to one of my track meets walking with a cane. I was so angry. How could I have been angry about that? He was sick, it wasn't his fault and that man was a die hard worker LITERALLY! It killed him more than me to see him with that cane. He had been a farmer and now a truck driver, so his legs were pretty damn important.

I feel as though that year was such a huge turning point for me. Well it was, the year 2000 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. I am quite the over dramatic person, but this still rings true, i have yet to have a year that was THAT awful!

I really don't remember a lot about that year, the only things that truly stand out to me are the things that my dad went through. Summer came and we got to go on our first BIG family vacation.

Everyone pulled together in our town and had several benefits for our family. It was well intended that the biggest benefit was to help pay for our trip to Disney World.

source

We had a great time there, I remember some things upsetting me, but I got over most of those. Things like having to wait in line to get a wheel chair, and why we couldn't do some things b/c they weren't feasible for my dad. None of which were his fault, it just made me angry.

Seeing all of those "normal" families walking around laughing, playing. It wasn't fair. Why did my family have to be the different one? Why was everyone staring at us? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were?

I wish I could go back and tell myself to just forget about the word "normal" ever ringing true to my life ever again, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But lets be real for a minute, what teenager in Jr high EVER wants their life to be anything BUT normal.

I had become different, people looked at me like with a look of pity. It only got worse.

By August my dad was using a motorized scooter to get around everywhere, we had a lift in our Explorer and everything. His job graciously put him in the office, so he could still work. August meant school was starting back up and I was in the 8th grade and with that comes 8th grade graduation and Confirmation. Let the stress begin.

Things started off ok, again I don't really remember much about this year. Jr. High is helacious enough and then you throw in a REAL trauma, talk about explosion waiting to happen. I do know that up until this year I played every sport POSSIBLE! Seriously, for awhile I did dance, gymnastics, then traveling basketball and softball. Once in Jr high I played volleyball, basketball, track and softball....until this year that is. This year was about to be different on a LOT of different levels. I was heading down the dark road of bitterness and that is never a pretty site.

To be continued

weekend Recap- I FINALLY have a phone for pictures!

Well hello again my lovely readers, thanks for stopping by again, or for the first time which ever it is I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY you are here!

Ahhh what a wonderful weekend I had. It was super busy, and guess what it was all DOCUMENTED by photo thanks to my brand spankin NEW IPhone! FINALLY. Can I get an AMEN?!

Friday night is when we went to go get my phone, and thanks Verizon for making us be there OVER an hour. Slightly ridiculous but since I left with my new phone I had minimal complaints, J on the other hand is a completely different story. What is it about men and waiting that can make them revert to their childhood? I love that man but Lawdy he can make me bananas some days.

On to Saturday, again with the bananas...aka Cray Cray (yeah I went there). I have struggled for almost 2 years with hormonal issues thanks to the lovely "mirena" aka garbage they insert in your uterus.

I digress, that Birth control really did a number on me, but that's a story for a different day.  I have been without it for almost a year and let me tell you it has been for the BEST. I am a million times better than where I was, but still have my moments. Lately those moments have seemed to be similar to when I had Mirena, low and behold I have a hormonal imbalance. LOVELY!

I know some people do not agree with Natural Health and that is fine, but I do and that is my prerogative.

Please don't tell me how modern medicine is better- I think there are pros and cons to both. Period.

I went to see my mom's best friend who has the Health food store to see if I could take anything to help with my "moodiness"- I use quotes to make myself feel better its really more like a shit storm.

I am not taking a few things to help balance me out, and although it may be in my head I feel a MILLION times better! I was seriously getting depressed! Ladies, we all know there is nothing more detrimental to your weight loss journey than depression (no motivation, no work outs, and junk) YIKES! I am feeling ready to be back on track! This took all morning- mostly because my mama went with and her friend is like my second mama, so we chat like its goin out of style a lot!

Saturday night did not go as planned but none the less it was a lot of fun. Our friend came over, he's actually the one who set J and I up- what a guy huh? We went target shooting at his dad's , and then of course J decided is royal cheapness wants to eat at home, so I of course go to the grocery store (spending what we probably would have on dinner) and got a few extra things for dinner.

shameless selfie while the boys were setting up targets- one happy girl!

check out that business! That target is only ME! BOOM!

Top is Steak Kabobs, bottom left grilled potato pack, and bottom right are my jalapeno poppers!

Sunday was quite uneventful, the only thing on my agenda that day was relaxing- I was super tired y'all. We lounged all day, watched some movies..it was glorious! I also got an email from one of the 5K sites saying that there is sand volleyball league going on this summer on Wednesdays.. WHAT?!? SIGN ME UP! So I am in the process of getting a team together. On top of that my friend texts me to see if I want to be on the Friday league as well. I haven't played volleyball in YEARS people, this could be a hilarious sight!

 Comin up this week:
 Natural Health
Weigh In Wednesday
My Kiln- and the projects that never end
Happies and Crappies Link Up( numero uno)
Pre- Prom from Hell (it's real and its gonna be amazeballs)

Stay tuned......

Finish the sentence Link Up- all the cool kids are doing it!

Well I just couldn't resist doing this lovely link up with Jake and Holly...they are too funny to not do their link ups!

1. I laughed so hard I cried when... Me and my 2 girlfriends were on our way down to MO to hit up Bass River (you float down the river drinking..its AWESOME) As we were driving down there my friend makes the movie reference "I'm not even mad" about something ridiculous (obviously its a movie reference for a reason) and my other friend without missing a beat..."why would you be mad about that?"....the two of us died while our friend was stuck in a state of confusion                                                                                                                                                                                                       
    second runner up- same trip...floating down the river, drinking having a GREAT time, as we look around we realize one friend is gone...she fell off....so one of the girls (we are in a large group 2 tubes tied together) screams STOP THE BOAT- ummm they are rafts remember.....so one of the dudes we didn't know grabs a tree branch hanging over the river, but alas he could not hang on to it and I shit you not it smacked my friend in the face and right off the dang boat- I couldn't make this up if I tried. I became the designated beer holder...love my girls..but there were snakes in that river...F THAT!

2. My high school.... was small, not the smallest but we had 79 kids in my graduating class. You were only cool if you "drove the loop", drank in a corn field, played football, etc. (Side note: my best friend is the same girl I walked into Kindergarten with on the first day....and she is amazeballs) My school was obviously small or I was super awesome ( we will go with the second option) as I went to Prom all 4 years- which makes me super cool..don't argue with me you will LOSE!

3. It really pisses me off... when I forget to put gas in my car after work, only to realize the next morning I am on fumes....and its a blizzard, hail storm, monsoon (yes they happen in the Midwest-I've been in them) or 900 degrees below zero...ANGER consumes me and I feel like an idiot!

4. In ten years... I want to be sitting on a beach drinking Miami Vice's and getting my tan on...completely realistic!

5. If I could erase one thing... I would erase those "Coyote Ugly" mornings from college- haven't seen the movie? well watch it then tell me you haven't experienced that shiz...YIKES!

6. In 1999... I was 14 and jammed out to some serious Will Smith, Spice Girls, and wait for it N'sync ( yes they were my "Beiber Fever") I was in Jr. High, and it was so fun I couldn't WAIT to be done with that BS!

7. Honestly...  I can't believe I am 26 and have no flipping clue what I want to be when I "grow up"

8. To me, Sushi... is Amazeballs..but can we just talk about the kind of sushi I mean (Jake you may want to skip this if you are reading) they only ones I will eat have probably been cooked, slightly defeating the purpose of being called sushi...its not raw..but delicious

9. Someone really needs to invent...a bicycle seat that doesn't make your ass feel like its non existent while simultaneously causing insane pain, yes I have tried the gel ones NO they do not work to my liking!

10. The first time I drank alcohol... I was in High school, thought I was drunk so I acted the part...turns out..I was not even buzzed...who knew?...I did when I actually got drunk the first time...Mind. Blown. However, that first time I drank I did witness alcohol poisoning..on someone else..NOT pretty!

11. The one question I would ask God is...should we be building another ark? I feel as though its necessary considering the 7 days of rain we have gotten...No?

12. Lindsay Lohan... is a wee bit cray cray, and a disgrace to the name (and spelling) Lindsay, I would straight up b**** slap that hot mess

If you thought this was fun to read you should probably go link up with Holly and Jake, their answers are a hoot!

Weigh in Wednesday and Grilled Yumminess

It's that time again!!!

Go check out the lovely Hosts Erin and Alex

 Can I be super real with you today? I mean REALLLL, last night I had a breaking point. I am not sure what has been going through my head.

I want to lose weight, I want to look amazing in a bikini and a wedding dress (someday), I want  I want I want. WHY CAN'T I DO!?

What is it that keeps you from getting your goals met?

Well for me it's piss poor goals, depression, craptastic weather, etc etc etc...also known as EXCUSES!

Excuses are like ass holes everyone has one and they all stink!

The biggest thing keeping me from looking and feeling amazeballs...is wait for it...ME!

 Seriously WHY do I feel the need to set myself up for failure?! I did my weekly weigh in today..yes I got back together with the scale..and I have mixed emotions on that! I am officially only down 8 lbs from where I started in January. I can't believe that is it...it's unreal until its written down, this just pisses me off.

The scale I have decided is not the issue..I am the issue! I am the one with the problems.

I had a full out cry session with Mama Bear last night and it was UGLY (you ain't got no alibi) not pretty..at all!

I keep trying these different mind tactics and none have worked..NONE I TELL YOU!

I tried the work outs in the morning..FAIL!

I tried MFP...FAIL!

I tried the tip jar- works when I work out....still trying to get to 100! (Ridiculous since I started that in February and I am not even to 30 yet!

I still refuse to do this anyway except ON MY OWN. I don't want diet pills, I don't want a diet plan..I don't want a DIET...I HATEEEE that word- Diets do NOT work I don't care who you are or how good someone says it works..if you can't do it FOREVER...the weight will be back..TRUST ME!

I need a kick start mentally and so Mama Bear has decided to come up with a wager for 2 weeks for me, now we just need to figure out a "prize" not involving food.

We are competing against each other, first competition is sugar ( usually not an issue for me, but lately..I feel like the cookie monster).

I may or may not have eaten graham crackers with frosting last night!

First one to eat sugar LOSES...after two weeks adding in another competition!

Now onto the yumminess that is grilled ( I love our grill for realls!)

So I have NOT posted a recipe in a LONGGG LONGGG LONGGG time, and this makes me sad, because that means I have not really been cooking for love just for necessity. I am a hugeeee Foodie, and a recipe Connoisseur as you all may know from previous posts. So I thought I would share one of my FAVORITE things to do on the grill :)

So here is the marinade for my Grilled Asparagus ( TO DIE FOR)

15-20 spears of Asparagus
2 tbsp of Grape Seed oil (or Olive Oil)
4 tbsp of Balsamic Vinegar
Parmesan Cheese
Gallon Ziplock bag

Mix everything together in bag, set in fridge for 1/2 hour then place sticks on foil or directly on grill for 15-20 minutes (I like mine black, but when they start getting limp you know they are done)

I am determined that next Wednesday will be BETTER! This journey has been the most difficult BY FAR!

By far my favorite quote to use, and I do, DAILY!

Finding Hope in disaster #RunforBoston

I thought about doing my regular post today, then I thought about not doing a post at all. However I have obviously decided NO on the last and I am going in a different direction.

Tomorrow I will post some yummy grillin veggies.

In light of everything that has happened, it occurs to me that only in times of deep tragedy do we remember what "we" have and become grateful for it.

Why does it take a tragedy to remind us to not take life for granted? Hug your loved ones every day and tell them what they mean to you, you don't know what tomorrow holds. I learned that the hard way, but that is a story for a different day.

Today I will post positive quotes and a moment of silence for those lost yesterday.

I am hoping to create this wooden art that has been circulating pinterest with this quote!

I found this picture on facebook: This is Martin Richard, 8, who was killed in yesterday's attack. His sister and mother are critically injured. Check out his poster: "No more hurting people-Peace"

This quote has been circulating like mad, and it is my new favorite! <3

Very true- we may be a country divided on a lot, BUT when tragedy strikes we ALL band together!

Can I puhlleeeasseee get a new phone?!?!- weekend recap

Well well well, Hello Monday...we meet again. I have to say I am not really sure WHY the weekends were deemed to be Saturday and Sunday...why not make the weekend Thursday- Monday....anyone think that sounds WAY better?!?! UMMM MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

So I had a fabulous weekend and I would just LOVEE to show you how fabulous BUT in case you IG'ers haven't noticed my IG pics have been MIA for awhile now or at least way fewer than I'd like! Want to know why?!? Well I don't care if you said no, I am going to tell you why! ;)

I currently own the Droid X2 and let me tell you it is a pile of J-U-N-K! I have never loathed a phone more in my life...wait...I take that back, the phone BEFORE this one behaved Similarly...GRR technology.  So at the current moment my phone has been charging more today than not, and when it has been "fully charged" I have unplugged, try to text and then black screen mid text...yes it died...GAH!!! It is about to drive me BATTY. I want my Iphone 5 NOW, I already ordered its case...and it is BEAUTIFUL! ;)

Someone please tell me why this is not at my house right Meow?! :)

Enough about that onto my adventurous weekend. So Friday we made a trip to Iowa City ( it's where the cool kids go). I really wanted BBW's (Buffalo Wild Wings), my co-worker was so wonderful and had them at work so of course I started craving them. BIG MISTAKE. As it turns out, my body is now in the rejecting stage of life for ALL things fried, unless of course I have more good things than fried. I was deeply regretting my decisions to eat potato wedges and boneless wings..even if it tasted amazing. I have now informed J to remind me the next time I want fried food...REMIND me of how I feel right NOW!...His response "why do you act like this is news? You get this way EVERY time" UGH, I hate the "I told you so speech", just pass the Tums!

Overall my weekend was great, LOTS of work done outside ( I PROMISE when I get my phone I will take pictures of our beautiful patio J has been slaving away at), and lots of errands. We also ate out a TON this weekend (BWW's, Fish Fry for the conservation club, and Pancake breakfast for the neighboring fire dept). I was never so happy to eat my yummy omelet and mixed berries for breakfast today. Stay tuned tomorrow I will share my FAVORITE Grill veggies ( I make them extra special).

Those fireman can whip up some goood pancakes (img from google-but they look the same :))

Sickness has set in..BOO

Welcome to my life today! 

So I have done my best to stay away from this nasty little bug going around, but alas it has found me and is now laughing in my face! I am going to make this short and sweet as I feel like I got hit by a Mac truck. For reals people this crud is no joke.

I thought I would do a little post on what to eat when your sick. Does anybody else just CRAVE a salad when they are sick?...NO...yeah ME EITHER! What the heck are you supposed to eat when you are sick...sign me up for some deliciously bland brothy chicken soup...BARF. Is it possible to eat healthy when you are sick? Why is it that I only want mac n cheese  or french fries when I'm "cold" sick and I eat notta when I am "stomach flu" sick- I need to find some kind of happy medium!

So today is grocery day, which is also known as Pay day ;).  I am getting myself back on track with the "clean eating". I know now that this is the only way to see the results I want in the time I want, plus I def feel like a million bucks eating this way. Yes I will still be eating dairy ( I love cheeseeeee), yes I will probably eat a few processed things (ranch, and ketchup thank you very much) I will however be trying to get most of my foods through lean meat, eggs, veggies and fruit. I am hoping to find things to keep me from getting bored or sick of those foods (as that is obviously what usually happens). I know this is what I need to do and I am really focusing on that mind over matter bs the brain likes to play. SO I hope you all have a HAPPY Thursday, and remember wipe your crap down with Lysol so you don't catch this crap!!

P.S. I tried to upload a photo of my awesome self today but since my phone is a huge pile of craptastic it died taking the picture (yes it is that awesome). So instead I leave you with the blessing of not having to see my sickness on photo! You're welcome!

Weekend Recap and a New Goal!

Ahh Monday...we meet again! As much as I hate Mondays, I really hate Mondays that are rainy! Grrrr! Ok that's my rant, now on to my super duper awesome weekend!

Well Friday, started out AWFUL, I.E I was super emotional and cried about really dumb things, but then I started cleaning up our yard and things started looking up! It was really quite ridiculous how long J and I waited to clean up that mess! Alas, the process has started and I am super excited to get things done! :) I will tell you my weekend started and ended with our yard! :) To continue with Friday I ended it amazingly well with homemade taco/pepperoni and mushroom pizza with Wine and of course making my entire day amazing by watching Pitch Perfect for about the gazillionth time! Still as hilarious as the first time- haven't seen it? Aca-awkward.....moving on!

Here was my little "helper" Friday- he's so motivated

Best combo EVER!

Saturday started out really well then started to nose dive, again anxiety rears its ugly face!
 I got rid of that nonsense by Running, and then cleaning! I don't mean just your average pick things up dust a few things, NO I scrubbed on my hands and knees with about 5 sponges in our kitchen. It was DISGUSTING! I am quite embarrassed I let it get that bad! Well Not anymore, I will be using my steamer tonight!!  Back to the running part, can I just say that I am not sure how I function some days. I got a call from my mom saying she was on her way over and literally in about 10 minutes I forgot and decided I needed a run....how does that happen!? While on my run I see her drive by and immediately think "Shit, I can't believe I did that". I run home and of course don't get to finish my run, but see the cleaning above? Yeah well I cleaned the crap out of my house-I'm talking 3 hours of serious cleaning!  J worked all weekend so I was pretty much on my own Friday and Saturday night. So Saturday night consisted of trying on old prom dresses for "Prom from Hell" (that's a whole new post! I will post pics don't worry!), Eating AMAZEBALLS Ice cream sorry I'm not sorry  while watching Argo-AMAZING movie!

Best indulgence choice EVER #sins

Sunday was quite relaxing we took a Gator ride and then took a trip to town to look at plants to for our yard ( see Friday ;)).  I definitely needed this past weekend to re-group. I have been off for about a month now and I am finally feeling back on track!! I decided last night that Monday's will be my "goal" days for the week. I am going to create a goal EVERY single Monday even if its simple. This week I am going to try and get back to Eating clean at least 80/20. I think this is quite manageable and I  know it will help me feel better and losing weight wouldn't hurt either.  Thanks for stopping by and just for that Here's a sneak of the puppy liter...we will soon be adding one of the females! :) Her name via J is Teika....all you hunters or gun lovers will know why! ;)

How cute are they!?

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