Part 1
I played volleyball as usual, and we were pretty decent (from what I recall haha). I know that I was really starting to struggle with anger. Whenever I was with my dad ...ANGER! I couldn't control it and it got to the point where I was actually MEAN to my dad. I would say mean things and cop an attitude whenever he said anything to me. This was normal for my mom and I back then, completely abnormal for my dad. I know I hurt him, how could I have not.
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| I am the one waving, can't really tell except for the GINORMOUS bangs on my forehead, I'm the one waving, and as you can see not SUPER overweight, But eating my feelings had started ! |
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| look at that mess of hair |
Ok back to the story....
Fall was quickly coming to an end, we were rapidly approaching the "Holiday season". Every year we would have Thanksgiving at my grandma's on my mom's side then go to my aunt's on my dad's side. We did the whole eat a crap ton of food thing, and then went to my aunt's and repeated. All I really remember is how tired my dad was. He was always tired, and it pissed me off. I wanted him to go back to the dad I knew, but he was slowly slipping away, at least that's what I thought. He seemed sad, tired, and possibly angry. However he never EVER directed that anger at anybody.
A little known fact about my dad. He was the most loving, caring man I have ever known. He would drop anything and everything for anybody. He would give you the shirt off his back and crack a joke to make you laugh. He loved his family more than life itself. He was also the hardest working man I have ever seen. (Note: He was going to go to work the day he passed away)
Thanksgiving was harder than usual because normally that weekend my dad and I would put out Christmas lights...we were like the Griswold's y'all. Seriously I am pretty sure you could have seen our house a county over. Of course, since he was sick we didn't get to do that together. I think we had lights that year, but someone else did them, if we had them at all! I wish I had a picture but this should help give you an idea if you aren't familiar with the movie (really?)
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November came and went and we had now reached December. If i had known that on December 1st I only had 9 days with my dad. I would have spent them a LOTTTT different. I remember my brother being so attentive to my dad. He wanted to help him so much. Why couldn't I have been that way?
I remember one thing that I did that actually helped my dad. He was having trouble putting on a shirt and I was the only one who could help him do it with ease. However, towards the end, I remember my brother helping him with his jacket but he just couldn't get his other arm in. So I walked over thinking I would be helpful, but I am pretty sure I ended up hurting my dad. As I re-read that with tears rolling down my face, I realize that is one of the most vivid memories i have from my dad at the end.
How could I have been so cruel? Did I do it on purpose? If I did, what was my goal? To make him feel as much pain as I was? Wasn't he hurting enough?
What is it about that age that makes kids so snotty, and why oh WHY did I let that take over? I have no one to blame but myself, and I can not blame my age. I think the hardest part looking back, was that people condoned my behavior.
"Oh, she's going through so much" "She's only 14" "She's still a kid" I call bull F*king Shit...sorry for the language but there is absolutely no EXCUSE for a kid behaving like a spoiled ROTTEN BRAT!
My mom is not to blame, she was dealing with so much as she was the sole provider for my dad and did not have time to deal with my BS.
Some of you may be thinking a lot of things about me right now, and that's fine. I am sure I have thought all of the same things. TRUST ME there is not one thing that has gone through any of your minds that did not go through mine
The morning of December 8th rolls around, and my life as I knew it was shattered into a million pieces....
To Be continued...
This one was hard to read. I can't imagine what you went through to write it. Once I get beyond the pain I hear and feel in your words, one word yells at me. FORGIVENESS. You need to forgive yourself and forgive your dad for getting sick. I understand and you understand he didn't ask for this but your heart was feeling resentment and that built up and now it's hard for you to forgive yourself for getting mad at him. You are a very brave person to put this out here like this and I commend you for doing it. The next step, forgive yourself or else you won't be able to truly move on. I think this is why you are blogging, you are slowing figuring out what needs to be done for healing. I will keep you in my prayers and believe with you that one day you will be free of this and you will find joy and peace and can move on and be happy without feeling guilty. That is what God wants for all of us. To restore us and heal us. You know your dad doesn't want to feeling or living this way. He wants you happy and I'm sure he understands why you were acting that way. It might have hurt him but you know he forgave you. So forgive yourself. Love you babe, you are in my prayers. <3
ReplyDeleteI knew it was going to be difficult when I started out, I just didn't know how much of my past I had shoved away. I thought I really had healed from most of it. Turns out you can pour salt on a closed wound and still feel pain. So although I have already forgiven my dad, its myself that is the issue, which is why I through in a third part :) I will post tomorrow! Thanks for the prayers. They are much appreciated. The one thing that keeps me going is all of the support I have! Thanks for the kind words girl
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xoxo