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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Emotions taking Control...Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Part 1

so today started out super duper awesome, and then took a raging plummet into the ground. Thanks Tuesday...you are becoming quickly my worst day of the week!

I thought I would take a little time to give you a breif look into my past. I have struggled with weight for a long time, well really just when I lost my dad. I don't like dwelling on this but how do you fix your mental if you don't know where it started.

What I am about to tell you falls into the category of "ain't nobody got time fo dat", just so this isn't a complete depresser here is my happy video:

*Disclaimer: None of what you are about to read was caused by anyone but myself. Please understand I had the best childhood, and the reason for my feelings are because of ME, nobody else. I take FULL responsibility for my actions and choices, nor am I complaining. 

I was 13, in 7th grade when I found out that my dad had been diagnosed with ALS. My parents had never heard of it so how could I have known anything about it or what was to come? I remember two things about that day, crying and my dad telling my about the poem footprints.A little filler that is a must know, I was and will always be a "daddy's girl". I had that man wrapped around my finger.

It never failed that I could get something at wal mart EVERY time we went (sorry mom). Yes wal mart was a big deal- we have two stop lights in our town ya know....kind of a big deal!

I "helped" my dad rebuild his truck engine- which leads to a funny point of starting my car on fire a week ago ( yeah that happened). I love being with him, we would sing all the time and laugh even more. I was his princess, and he was the perfect man.
Man I was cute..even then I loved me some cowboyboots! :)

It was March of 2000, and I was in Track ( which may have little meaning now but later its huge). I remember him coming to one of my track meets walking with a cane. I was so angry. How could I have been angry about that? He was sick, it wasn't his fault and that man was a die hard worker LITERALLY! It killed him more than me to see him with that cane. He had been a farmer and now a truck driver, so his legs were pretty damn important.

I feel as though that year was such a huge turning point for me. Well it was, the year 2000 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. I am quite the over dramatic person, but this still rings true, i have yet to have a year that was THAT awful!

I really don't remember a lot about that year, the only things that truly stand out to me are the things that my dad went through. Summer came and we got to go on our first BIG family vacation.

Everyone pulled together in our town and had several benefits for our family. It was well intended that the biggest benefit was to help pay for our trip to Disney World.
We had a great time there, I remember some things upsetting me, but I got over most of those. Things like having to wait in line to get a wheel chair, and why we couldn't do some things b/c they weren't feasible for my dad. None of which were his fault, it just made me angry.

Seeing all of those "normal" families walking around laughing, playing. It wasn't fair. Why did my family have to be the different one? Why was everyone staring at us? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were?

I wish I could go back and tell myself to just forget about the word "normal" ever ringing true to my life ever again, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But lets be real for a minute, what teenager in Jr high EVER wants their life to be anything BUT normal.

I had become different, people looked at me like with a look of pity. It only got worse.

By August my dad was using a motorized scooter to get around everywhere, we had a lift in our Explorer and everything. His job graciously put him in the office, so he could still work. August meant school was starting back up and I was in the 8th grade and with that comes 8th grade graduation and Confirmation. Let the stress begin.

Things started off ok, again I don't really remember much about this year. Jr. High is helacious enough and then you throw in a REAL trauma, talk about explosion waiting to happen. I do know that up until this year I played every sport POSSIBLE! Seriously, for awhile I did dance, gymnastics, then traveling basketball and softball. Once in Jr high I played volleyball, basketball, track and softball....until this year that is. This year was about to be different on a LOT of different levels. I was heading down the dark road of bitterness and that is never a pretty site.

To be continued


  1. I just want to say how proud I am of you for sharing this story. While we never really move on from something like this; I believe we learn something from every situation. You know your dad is looking down on you today and is so proud of you & proud of how hard you are working on this journey.
    On a side note, I feel WAY older than you right now & don't tell Josh I just realized the age difference. LOL!

    1. Thanks girl, I knew that it was time to just get it out there and start the healing.

      And, don't worry I won't tell Josh he gets mad when I bring up our age differnce, especially when I mention that I was in grade school while he was in high school....it weirds him out for some reason :)

      Thanks for the love!!


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